Marriage 2
Video – Jeff Allen – Happy wife happy
life http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGVoPwKeJek
What gifts did you see in your spouse this
week?
Love languages (Gary Chapman)
If you go to someone’s home for a party are you more likely
to:
A)
bring a gift (gifts)
B)
spend time talking deeply with just a few people
(quality time)
C)
give hugs all around (touch)
D)
tell the hosts what a wonderful job they have
done (words of affirmation)
E)
offer to help set up or tear down during or
after the party (acts of service)
Someone tells you about the horrible day they just had do
you
a)
give them a hug (Touch)
b)
tell them they don’t deserve to be treated lie
that, How does that make you feel? (quality time)
c)
Offer to give them something to eat or drink
(gifts)
d)
Say “I’m sorry that happen to you what can I do
to solve this for you?” (acts of service)
e)
Tell them “you are an amazing person! You don’t
deserve to be treated like that!” (Affirmation)
Remember men want respect and sex and women
want love and security. Communication is the key to opening these doors
1) Words of Affirmation – statements of
appreciation –“you look good in that…”, “you are the best… in the world”, “I
just love your…” or simple words of encouragement such as reinforcing a
difficult decision, calling attention to progress made, acknowledging a persons
unique insight on a subject. Helps to overcome insecurities and give confidence
2) Quality Time Quality time is more than mere
proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching
sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your
attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and
go without a minute of quality time being shared.
Quality
conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves
sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly,
uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but also offer advice
and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t
expect you to solve their problems.
Quality activities are a
very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend
physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time
together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a
memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting
on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis
league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside
focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.
2)
Receiving Gifts -
Some mates respond well
to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely
to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak
this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love
from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.
This gift can be anything
that would seem important to your spouse
The gift of
self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate desires is for
someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing
the same things. Your body can become a very powerful physical symbol of love.
These gifts
need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a
lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the
language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them
feeling happy and secure in your relationship.
4) Acts
of Service -
Sometimes simple chores
around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things
like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time,
effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his
disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and
devotion to your mate.
Very often,
both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it
is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most
appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples
will still fight because they are unknowingly communicating with each other in
two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars
and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a
superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did
many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s
dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.
It is important
to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does
chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not
be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to
perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.
Demonstrating
the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service
require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services
that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little
sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy
relationship.
5) Physical Touch -
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from
their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch
can make or break the relationship.
Sexual
intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it
is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely
sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only
physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.
It is important
to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are
irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches
your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or
little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s
important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make
the most of this love language.
All marriages
will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a
crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that
person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much
rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.
It is important to remember
that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you
feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is
important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your
hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts.
What is your
love language?
5 keys to a happy and healthy marriage
1) Pray together! George Barna of the
Barna Research group found that couples that pray together have a greater than
90% chance of staying together for life. Some of our driest times as a couple
have been when due to busyness or tiredness Paige and I have neglected to pray
together. We have found in addition to
the spiritual blessing from praying together some practical blessing come as
well. Sometimes I am not the greatest
communicator in the world, after all I am male. When we pray together I hear
Paige’s heart and she hears mine and we are able to keep up on what is really
important in our lives. We also know that with all the things happening in the
world there is at least one person praying for us. It is also very hard to stay upset with
someone you are praying for (not that Paige or I would know anything about
that).
2) Make your goal to enable your spouse to be
the best that they can be. In “The
Message” Ephesians 5 says this “Everything he does and says is designed to
bring the best out of her.” This is Christ example to the church of how a husband
should treat his wife. It is both a blessing to you and your spouse if everyday
your focus is, “How can I bless my spouse today to help them be who God has
called them to be?” Hurtful words wounding actions all get set aside if that’s
your goal. Find out what your spouses gifts and goals are and help make them
happen.
3) Be each
others best friend! Ephesians 5 also says the husband and wife are
one. What this has meant to me is that
nothing should be in between the two. I
have seen many marriage disasters due to friends, children, or parents coming
between and dividing what should be one. You parents will pass away, your
children will grow up and move away, and any friend that is more important to
you than your spouse is trouble. We are to prefer one another and that should
be especially true of our spouses. If you want respect give respect, if you
want to feel safe in your marriage then make your marriage a safe place for
your spouse. If you do steps 1 and 2 step three will be easy.
4) Fight Fair! I
would have liked to not include this but,
we are human. If you have any two people in a room you probably will have three
opinions present. Until we are all dead to our own flesh, we will always be
selfish, misunderstood, stressed, prideful, or just simply poor communicators,
so we will argue. The Bible says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of
this darkness, against the spiritual {forces} of wickedness in the heavenly {places.}
Ephesians 6:12. Often, we set our focus
to fighting and disrespecting our spouse rather than solving the problem. Words said quickly, never can be taken back
and establish long lasting wounds. The
enemy has done a great job destroying marriages. Fight fair by realizing why you are arguing;
you have a disagreement and you need to find a solution. Our flesh wants to
win, our spirit cries out for a solution. We are called to love and respect
each other. There will be disagreements, work toward solutions.
5) Forgive. Because we have failed with the first four
points, we often carry around baggage from past relationships and present
ones. Jesus said “Your heavenly Father
will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you; but if you refuse to
forgive them, He will not forgive you,” Matthew 6:14 Jesus doesn’t say only if you’re right
forgive or you don’t have to if you were hurt unjustly. Forgiveness is not just
an action, it is a choice; sometimes it is moment by moment, sometimes
daily. We need to keep forgiving until
we feel we have forgiven. We are also
told not to let the sun go down on our anger, the implication being, everyday
we should strive to start new fresh and free.
Unforgiveness is a spiritual slavery that holds those in it’s clutches
unwitting accomplices to their own misery. Freedom comes by choosing
forgiveness. We are never more like Jesus than when we forgive. If Jesus could
forgive those who hated him, how much more should we be willing to forgive
those who love us?
6) Priorities –
In Luke 10 Jesus is visiting friends and explains to Martha that Mary has
chosen the best thing by sitting at His feet.
Priority 1 - just being with Him.
(Quality time with the Lord) If we are with Him we know what He is
doing, we aren’t concerned about what others are doing. When we are with Him, He can whisper and we
hear His voice.
Priority 2 - our spouses; between Ephesians 5, 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1
Paul explains the holiness and priority that a marriage must have and that our
spouses, next to the Holy Spirit, can be our greatest asset and next to Satan,
can become our greatest detriment. Peter
writes that even our prayers are hindered if our relationship is not right.
Priority 3 - Psalm 127:3 says that children are a gift from God. 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 tell us that our
children are our first disciples; thus a major priority.
Priority 4 - what you do for God.
If we are secure in our relationship with the Lord, our spouse, and our
children then the enemy has no room to attack, our foundation is secure and
what we do for the Lord can proceed uninhibited
