Marriage 2

Marriage 2

Video – Jeff Allen – Happy wife happy life  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGVoPwKeJek

What gifts did you see in your spouse this week?

Love languages (Gary Chapman)

If you go to someone’s home for a party are you more likely to:

A)   bring a gift (gifts)

B)   spend time talking deeply with just a few people (quality time)

C)   give hugs all around (touch)

D)   tell the hosts what a wonderful job they have done (words of affirmation)

E)   offer to help set up or tear down during or after the party  (acts of service)

Someone tells you about the horrible day they just had do you

a)    give them a hug (Touch)

b)   tell them they don’t deserve to be treated lie that, How does that make you feel? (quality time)

c)    Offer to give them something to eat or drink (gifts)

d)   Say “I’m sorry that happen to you what can I do to solve this for you?” (acts of service)

e)    Tell them “you are an amazing person! You don’t deserve to be treated like that!” (Affirmation)

Remember men want respect and sex and women want love and security. Communication is the key to opening these doors

1)   Words of Affirmation – statements of appreciation –“you look good in that…”, “you are the best… in the world”, “I just love your…” or simple words of encouragement such as reinforcing a difficult decision, calling attention to progress made, acknowledging a persons unique insight on a subject. Helps to overcome insecurities and give confidence

2) Quality Time  Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but also offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems.

Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
 Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.

2)    Receiving Gifts -
 Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

 This gift can be anything that would seem important to your spouse

The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing the same things. Your body can become a very powerful physical symbol of love.

These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.

4) Acts of Service -
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because they are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.

It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.

Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship.

5) Physical Touch -
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.

All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.

It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts.

What is your love language?

5 keys to a happy and healthy marriage

1)   Pray together! George Barna of the Barna Research group found that couples that pray together have a greater than 90% chance of staying together for life. Some of our driest times as a couple have been when due to busyness or tiredness Paige and I have neglected to pray together.  We have found in addition to the spiritual blessing from praying together some practical blessing come as well.  Sometimes I am not the greatest communicator in the world, after all I am male. When we pray together I hear Paige’s heart and she hears mine and we are able to keep up on what is really important in our lives. We also know that with all the things happening in the world there is at least one person praying for us.  It is also very hard to stay upset with someone you are praying for (not that Paige or I would know anything about that).

2)   Make your goal to enable your spouse to be the best that they can be. In “The Message” Ephesians 5 says this “Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her.” This is Christ example to the church of how a husband should treat his wife. It is both a blessing to you and your spouse if everyday your focus is, “How can I bless my spouse today to help them be who God has called them to be?” Hurtful words wounding actions all get set aside if that’s your goal. Find out what your spouses gifts and goals are and help make them happen.

3)    Be each others best friend! Ephesians 5 also says the husband and wife are one.  What this has meant to me is that nothing should be in between the two.  I have seen many marriage disasters due to friends, children, or parents coming between and dividing what should be one. You parents will pass away, your children will grow up and move away, and any friend that is more important to you than your spouse is trouble. We are to prefer one another and that should be especially true of our spouses. If you want respect give respect, if you want to feel safe in your marriage then make your marriage a safe place for your spouse. If you do steps 1 and 2 step three will be easy.

4) Fight Fair! I would have liked to not include this but, we are human. If you have any two people in a room you probably will have three opinions present. Until we are all dead to our own flesh, we will always be selfish, misunderstood, stressed, prideful, or just simply poor communicators, so we will argue. The Bible says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual {forces} of wickedness in the heavenly {places.} Ephesians 6:12.  Often, we set our focus to fighting and disrespecting our spouse rather than solving the problem.  Words said quickly, never can be taken back and establish long lasting wounds.  The enemy has done a great job destroying marriages.  Fight fair by realizing why you are arguing; you have a disagreement and you need to find a solution. Our flesh wants to win, our spirit cries out for a solution. We are called to love and respect each other. There will be disagreements, work toward solutions.

5) Forgive.  Because we have failed with the first four points, we often carry around baggage from past relationships and present ones.  Jesus said “Your heavenly Father will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you; but if you refuse to forgive them, He will not forgive you,” Matthew 6:14  Jesus doesn’t say only if you’re right forgive or you don’t have to if you were hurt unjustly. Forgiveness is not just an action, it is a choice; sometimes it is moment by moment, sometimes daily.  We need to keep forgiving until we feel we have forgiven.  We are also told not to let the sun go down on our anger, the implication being, everyday we should strive to start new fresh and free.  Unforgiveness is a spiritual slavery that holds those in it’s clutches unwitting accomplices to their own misery. Freedom comes by choosing forgiveness. We are never more like Jesus than when we forgive. If Jesus could forgive those who hated him, how much more should we be willing to forgive those who love us?

6) Priorities –

In Luke 10 Jesus is visiting friends and explains to Martha that Mary has chosen the best thing by sitting at His feet.  Priority 1 - just being with Him.  (Quality time with the Lord) If we are with Him we know what He is doing, we aren’t concerned about what others are doing.  When we are with Him, He can whisper and we hear His voice.

Priority 2 - our spouses; between Ephesians 5, 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 Paul explains the holiness and priority that a marriage must have and that our spouses, next to the Holy Spirit, can be our greatest asset and next to Satan, can become our greatest detriment.  Peter writes that even our prayers are hindered if our relationship is not right.

Priority 3 - Psalm 127:3 says that children are a gift from God.  1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 tell us that our children are our first disciples; thus a major priority.

Priority 4 - what you do for God.  If we are secure in our relationship with the Lord, our spouse, and our children then the enemy has no room to attack, our foundation is secure and what we do for the Lord can proceed uninhibited